American Dad Porn Story: The New Dr Phil Chapter 1
American Dad
The “New” Dr. Phil
Episode Summary: Out in Langly Falls, Roger decides to scam people out of good money by impersonating a world-known therapist, Dr. Phil. His con-artist ways start off beneficial, but quickly turn sour when he’s asked to tape a show involving real people with real problems. Meanwhile, when he finds out that Roger, in order to purchase equipment needed for his taping session, stole money from his checking account, Stan attempts to crash the studio and expose Roger for the fraud he is.
Disclaimer: American Dad do not belong to me. They belong to Dan Povenmire and Seth MacFarlane respectively.
TV-PG-DLV
Stan Smith was downstairs with his wife, Francine, in the kitchen, setting the table up for dinner. Their alien friend, Roger Smith, came down wearing one of his regular alter-personas costumes: a pair of square glasses, gray suit with white shirt, black tie, and gray suit pants with shoes.
“So Stan, what do ya think? I look professional to you?” He said with a smug, sly attitude.
“You look like a jackass.” Stan replied, observing his outfit. “What are you supposed to be? A drunken Filipino?”
“Oh you…no, seriously. You said last night that I should look into a career. Well, I think I’ve finally found one.”
“And I feel liberated to remind you that prostitution is not a career.”
“WHat? No, no! Are you nuts!? Ew, god no. No. I was actually referring to therapy. I’m thinking of becoming a therapist.”
Stan knew Roger very well, and Roger cared about no one but himself. So when he announced he was becoming a therapist, Stan could not help himself, and broke out into hysterical laughter. Laughter that lasted almost a full minute, and every second, Roger grew more and more annoyed. When Stan finally did come to grips with reality, he saw Roger’s face and immediately stopped. “Oh you were serious.”
“Yes, I was. I figured it’s time I started helping others out other than myself.”
“Oh Roger, that’s great.” Francine commented, oblivious to what Roger was really up to. Stan, though, saw right through his charade.
“OK, what is it you wanna buy this time?”
“Funny you should ask. See, I found this movie, “The Last Mimzy” that I really love to see, and it can be viewed in High Definition if I have a Sony PS3. So I figure I’d take this gig and see how much I could make with it.”
“Roger, that doesn’t make any sense at all…”
“Alright, alright, you caught me. The truth is…my student loans caught up to me and I owe the Langly banks a total of $250,000 by the end of this week or else they’ll send the police after me.”
“You never told us that you went to college.” Francine advised.
“I went to the Rhode Island School of Design. Nothing big. Just a college. Go nuts.”
“Roger, how the hell do you expect to make a Quarter Million by week’s end by becoming a therapist?”
“Oh don’t you worry your pretty little head, Stan. I have my ways.”
“Roger, for the last time, I’m not going to let you bring home an Asian Hooker to have sex with me so you can make a quick buck.”
“For the last time, I’m not referring to that! Oh, and it was a Chinese Hooker, genius.”
Sadly, though, his ‘ways’ involved Stan’s only son, Steve. Steve was always prone to Roger’s outrageous schemes. But this one, he had no idea, would take the cake.
“Steve, put those dolls away.” He snapped at him as he walked up to his room. He threw Steve some raggard and torn clothes. “Put this on, and meet me downstairs in O-5 minutes. I know what we’re doing today.”
“Roger, I thought Dad banned you from the prostitution clubs.”
“Yes, he did.” Roger replied, now very annoyed. God, why are the ones in suits treated like crap? “I’m over that stuff, anyway. No, Steve, today, we are going to start changing people’s lives for the better, and help make the world a better place for you and for m-“
“Your student loan caught up with you. I know, Dad told me.”
“Damn, Stan! Oh well, doesn’t matter.”
“Roger, if you need money so badly, why don’t you just take out a bank loan?”
“Because, Steve, all of my credit cards are completely maxed out. All 47 of them. SO I figured we could start out own business in therapy, and then by week’s end, we could make enough money to pay them off.”
“Whoa, back it up there. How the hell did you get 47 credit cards? I thought you had, like, 30 personas.”
“Actually, 33, but I had 14 credits cards registered under ‘Sydnie’. You remember him, right? I don’t need to go through that again? OK, great. Anyway, I need your help. If my business is going to take off, I’m going to need some place to start, and I figured that could be you.”
“What!? Why me?”
“Because if you help me, there’s a six figure salary in it for you.”
“OH cool-wait…does that include dollar signs and commas.”
“Y-N-Y-N-N-Yes.”
“OK, I’m in.”
“Great. OK, put that stuff on and meet me downstairs. It’s time to get rich!”
“And layed!”
“Thanks alot, Steve. You just ruined the moment. Why is everything to you sex-related?”
After Steve put on his ripped shirt and dirty pants, he went outside to see Roger, who had already built a stand that read “Dr. Phil’s Mobile Therapy: You’ll Feel Like a Million or Your Money Back”. “Do you like it, Steve? I built this last night because I was going to make a lemonade stand. But with my student loans, I figured…you know, scrap it.”
“Um…I don’t get what we’re supposed to do.”
“OK, I’m going to impersonate Dr. Phil, and I’m going to be ‘helping’ you with your problems.”
“Whoa, you’re ‘impersonating’ the world’s most renound TV therapists in the world.”
“That’s right. Gonna rack in the big bucks now. Big bucks, no whammies, STOP! Nah, just kidding.”
“Roger, you’re nuts. If the real Dr. Phil catches you, he might sue you for even more money, and then you’ll be in even deeper trouble. And need I remind you about the last big time Hollywood celebrity you angered?”
(Cue Cutaway)
A/N: The following is an audio file of Christian Bale’s outburst during production of ‘The Terminator Salvation’. (And a parody of the recent Family Guy episode ‘Ocean’s Three and a Half’. Viewer Discretion is advised.
Christian: I want you off the f#cking set you prick!
Roger: Whoa, sorry, bro.
Christian: No, don’t just be sorry. Think for one f#cking second!
Roger: The boss wanted me to give you a message, and I fell. Is that a crime?
Christian: Am I gonna walk around and rip your f#cking lights down in the middle of a scene?
Roger: Hey, you asked for better lighting. Don’t turn this one on me.
Christian: Then why the f#ck are you walking right through – uh, duh-duh, duh-duh, like this in the background? What the f#ck is it with you?
Roger: Geez, wake up on the wrong side of your mother this morning?
Christian: You got any f#cking idea about, “Hey, it’s f#cking distracting, having someone walking up behind Bryce in the middle of the f#cking scene!” Gimme a f#cking answer!
Roger: You know, I used to get you, but now I just-I don’t know.
Christian: What don’t you get about it?
Roger: I..I don’t get it. I just…I just don’t understand what has become of Hollywood. You know…You know, people used to say that Christmas is what brought the worst out of people. But…But now that’s getting harder to believe considering the crappy celebrities we have, like Lindsay Lohan, Kurk Cameron, Howie Mandel, Dick York, you…oh and uh, by the way, you know you kept saying you’ve been having trouble with your car so you’ve been using a starter remote? Well…I stole it from you when you were filming before and I re-wired it to work for the lights.
Christian: Oh good for you! And how was it?
Roger: Well, actually it turned out to work a lot better than I expected, considering I’ve never re-routed a remote before. Yeah, this is seriously the first remote I’ve ever re-routed, so at least be grateful I didn’t kill anyone or infect anyone with Herpes with it.
Christian: I hope it was f#cking good because it’s useless now, isn’t it?
Roger: Well, you can see where you’re going, so I guess…that’s useful unless you’re blind.
Christian: F#ck’s sake, man, you amateur.
Roger: Seriously, man, did your bitch dump you or something?
Christian: Stay off the f#cking set, man. Right, let’s go again.
Roger: We’ve been shooting right through lunch. Can’t we take just a minute?
Christian: Let’s not take a f#cking minute, let’s go again!!
Roger: Look, if I don’t get my daily lunch, I get antsy. And I start doing crazy things like walking in the background while we’re shooting, and I know full well you don’t want that again.
Christian: You’re unbelievable, man.
Roger: You know I really do not understand th-
Christian: Ah, you don’t f#cking understand what it’s like working with actors, that’s what that is.
Roger: I’d have to disagree. Everyone else is nice except for you so I don’t really think tha-
Christian: That’s what that is, man, I’m telling you!
Roger: You know a lot of people know me only as ‘Roger’ so when you address me in the credits, can you put me under ‘Roger’? Oh, and my family’s coming around, later, and I’ve been acting out, they think my sexuality is screwed. So when they get here, would you mind pretending that we’re gay soulmates or something? We don’t have to have sex or anything, just pretend we’re attracted to each other.
Christian: I wanna f#cking kick your ass if you don’t shut up for a second, all right?
Roger: (screams) Please don’t hurt me. I have a spa appointment scheduled for 3 o’ clock.
Christian: I’m gonna go–You want me to go crash your f#cking lights!? Do you want me to f#cking trash ’em!?
Roger: No, I don’t want you to trash them! (sobbing) I bought those on e-bay and they cost me, like, $20 dollars, 10x my normal decoration budget!
Christian: You do it one more f#cking time and I ain’t walking on this set if you’re still hired.
Roger: Look, it’s my first day, don’t hurt me. (sobs)
Christian: I’m f#cking serious. You’re a nice guy. You’re a nice guy.
Roger: Well thank you. You know, it just goes to show you you don’t have to be gay to be nice.
Christian: But that don’t f#cking cut it when you’re bullsh#ting and f#cking around like this on set.
Roger: Jeez, uptight much? You’re even worse than those buisness woman that wear the tight skirts so it looks like they have big butts but in reality they’re just whores in secret.
Christian: Seriously man, you and me, we’re f#cking done professionally.
Roger: Wait, just professionally? (gasps) I knew it! You do want to be my wife! (squeals) This is the happiest moment of my life!
Christian: F#cking ass.
(End Cutaway)
“Yes, and that was humerously disturbing enough for yesterday. But today, my friend, is a new day. Today, we usher in the age of the color green. And I don’t mean sleezy green, like those business owners, ’cause those people are just gay. No, I mean the business of therapy. Long-term, beneficial, not gay therapy.”
“So how are we gonna do this?”
“OK, you sit here,” Roger pointed to one of the chairs behind the stand. “And act like your life’s a wreck. You know, wife left you, took your kids, turned to heroin to calm your pain, now have an obsession with Dick Van Dyke, all that junk.”
“Um, OK? And I should do that because…”
“Because then it’ll be my job to fix it by giving you the advice Dr. Phil would give you. And once people see what a great job I can do fixing your life, they’ll want some advice as well. And then we’ll rack in the big bucks and I can pay off my loans.”
“Roger, there is no way I am parading myself like that in front of the entire neighborhood just so you can rack in the big bucks. Besides, it’s never going to work.”
2 hours later…
Steve was lying on one of the chair, crying his frickin eyes out, while Roger “Dr. Phil” was taking accurate notes.
“And how does your wife leaving you and taking your 7 children with her make you feel?” Roger asked Steve in a way that only Dr. Phil would.
“Horrible. S-She-She broke my heart and then stabbed it into little bits of pieces, and-and while I was picking up those pieces, she took the children away!” Steve cried in between “sobs”. “She ruined my life, and now I have no purpose in life.”
“Well don’t you have a job, or something?”
“Yeah, and I was humping the boss!”
“Well no wonder your wife was mad at y-oh, wait a minute, I get it. Your wife was the boss. What kind of a prick has their own wife for a boss?”
“Me!”
“OK, I can see you’re upset, so here’s what I’m going to recommend you do.” “Dr. Phil” took out a lighter and some gasoline. “You know where they’re living now?”
“Yeah.”
“GO there and burn down their house. I-I mean it, j-just go there an-and dump all of this all over her house and then-and then just light it up and see how she likes it.”
“Y-Y-You think that’ll teach her?” Steve asked taking the lighter and gasoline.
“Of course. Now get out of here, you son of a bitch!” He said shaking Steve’s hand, as Steve ran down the block, and eventually, hid behind one of the houses, while several adoring eyes from around the neighborhood took interest in Roger’s tactics.
Pretty soon, people kept coming in and complimenting him on his job well done, all of them believing he was the real Dr. Phil. All of a sudden, people started paying him inside and out and booking private appointments with him. By the time they were all gone, Roger “Dr. Phil” already had 25 appointments and $7,800 coming in.
Later that night, Roger and Steve met up back in Steve’s room to discuss their future plans.
“Steve, today was a complete success.” Roger said gleefully. “I’ve already lined up, like, 25 different appointments, and if I do them all well like I did with you, then we’ve got 8G’s coming our way. I’ll have the money to pay off my debts in no time.”
“That’s great, Roger.”
“Yeah, and I’ll be sure to include you in my inauguration speech if I ever get elected to presidency.”
“Roger, one miracle at a time.”
“Oh alright, Mr. Dream Smasher.”
“No, I’m pretty sure that’s Hayley.”
Just as Roger & Steve were counting their money, Roger’s cellphone started ringing. He answered it under the name “Dr. Phil” of course. “Yo, what up, G?” It was Paramount Studios on the other line. “Uh huh. OH yeah. Oh y-oh yeah, that was me. Yeah, I helped that boy out real good. I m-h-his life was in shambles before he found me. W-What? You want me to do what? OH sure. Sure, n-n-no problem. OK.” He hung up.
“Who was that?”
“That was Paramount Studios, the place where they shoot the Dr. Phil Show. They said they wanted me in Californica in 48 hours so I could shoot my next show. I forgot, he has this big-time, ultra-successful TV talk show. In fact it’s so good they brought it into HD for the new season. Plus, he gets, like a six-figure salary, so if I can make this show a hit, I’ll be able to pay off my debts and then-some. But I’ll need your help, Steve.”
“I’m your man, Rog.”
“Great. They already booked us a first class flight. We leave in an hour.”
“Wait, what!?”
Part 1 Complete!
Roger thinks he’s “all that”. But wait until he finds out what he’s dealing with on “Dr. Phil”! RXR!